Shame is one of the most powerful emotions because it completely takes over your brain, body, and nervous system. It’s not just a feeling—it’s a survival response that goes all the way back to early humanity.
In tribal communities, shame played a role in keeping people safe. It served as a way to prevent harmful behaviors that could lead to being ostracized. And in those times, being cast out meant facing the wild alone, which often led to death. Shame was never meant to be an all-day, everyday experience—it was meant to be momentary, a warning signal to course-correct when necessary.
In early human communities, only a few acts were considered truly shameful—things that could lead to being shunned. Just the thought of shame and exclusion was enough to deter harm and keep the group safe. It makes sense, then, that we are biologically wired to feel shame under stress—it’s an inherited survival response.
But what many people experience today isn’t just shame—it’s chronic, toxic shame.
The False Belief That Shame Protects You
There is a deeply ingrained false belief that shame prevents failure, rejection, and abandonment. There are Parts of you that truly believe shame is protecting you, working overtime to keep you from making mistakes, being judged, or feeling the pain of rejection.
Yet, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
How Chronic, Toxic Shame Affects Your Nervous System
Shame doesn’t just sit in your mind—it creates a danger loop between your nervous system and survival brain where messages of danger get sent up and down through the body. Your system perceives shame as a threat, and in response, your nervous system shifts into survival mode—doing whatever it can to keep you safe.
When you’re stuck in survival mode, you lose access to clear thinking, a feeling of safety, and a regulated nervous system. It’s common to experience:
- Hopelessness
- Anxiety
- Anger
- Feeling like you’re on autopilot
- Numbness
- Low motivation
- Lethargy
- Depression
- Chronic pain or illness
This isn’t your fault. This is what happens when shame hijacks your system.
The Good News: There Is a Way Out
Chronic shame doesn’t just pass through—it settles into your body, like it’s setting up camp and refusing to leave. Over time, it builds up, leaving you with an overwhelming sense that you’re bad, that you’ve failed, or that you’re not worthy of love and belonging.
But here’s what’s important to remember: The Part of you that’s shaming you is actually trying to protect you. It learned long ago that shame might keep you from making mistakes, from being seen as ‘wrong,’ or from being abandoned.
The first step to healing is always awareness.
- Start by getting curious. Notice when shame comes up.
- Recognize and remind yourself (over and over again): The shame you’re feeling is a survival response.
Understand that shame is not a reflection of you being bad. It’s your system’s built-in wiring responding to difficult experiences with shame.
Updating the Old Wiring
The Part of you that’s feeling shame is carrying an old emotional wound that needs care and healing. It’s like your system is running on outdated hardware—it hasn’t gotten the update yet. But all Parts of you that need rewiring can be updated.
Letting the emotion move through instead of settling in is what makes the difference. Shame doesn’t have to define you, and it doesn’t have to run your life.
With awareness, compassion, and the right support, you can step out of survival mode and into a place of safety, connection, and self-compassion.
