Your mind, body, and nervous system hold onto painful memories as a way to protect you. While it may not feel like protection, this process is deeply rooted in how the brain and nervous system respond to past experiences.
Why Painful Memories Resurface
When your mind replays painful memories, it’s not trying to punish you—it’s trying to keep you safe. These memories are a survival response, often guided by your Protector Parts (as described in Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz) and your nervous system’s learned patterns of defence.
These memories act as signals, saying: **’ This still hurts, and I’m trying to keep you from experiencing it again.’ **
The Body Holds Onto Unprocessed Experiences
Painful memories aren’t just thoughts—they are felt experiences stored in the nervous system and body. Unprocessed emotional pain can show up in physical sensations, such as:
- A sharp pang in the chest
- A knot in the stomach
- A sinking feeling that takes over
- A feeling of bracing in your body
Your nervous system replays these sensations because it has learned that staying alert to danger is necessary for survival.
You Don’t Have to Fight These Memories
Instead of trying to push them away, it’s important to understand that replayed memories often point to unhealed emotional wounds. As Irene Lyon and Peter Levine emphasize, unresolved trauma stays in the body until it is processed. These memories resurface because they carry emotions that were never fully processed at the time of the original experience. When you acknowledge what your system is holding onto and create a sense of safety within yourself, these memories don’t need to dominate your thoughts as intensely.
A Practical Tip for Working With Painful Memories
Start small. The next time a painful memory surfaces, pause and ask yourself:
- What is this memory trying to protect me from?
- What does this part of me need right now to feel safe?
Approaching these moments with compassion instead of judgment allows your nervous system to recognize that it is safe to process and release these experiences.
Healing Happens Through Awareness and Regulation
Healing involves working with your nervous system, not against it. Nervous system regulation, parts work, and somatic (body-focused) approaches can help integrate these memories in a way that fosters safety and connection instead of fear and distress.
Painful memories don’t have to control your present. This is exactly what we work with in The Befriending Your Parts Framework—a proven approach that integrates nervous system regulation, parts work, and self-compassion.
By using these three essential elements, you can feel good about yourself, feel safe in your body, and rewire and retrain your survival brain, allowing you to step out of survival mode and into a place of connection, confidence, and ease.With awareness and the right tools, you can rewire old patterns and create a new sense of safety within yourself.
